This may seem a bit sad but I mourn for a dog that I have lost but he is still alive. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my being! I often say I loved him to live because he came so close to dying at 8 months old.
If you know my Nightmares, you may be aware that both Krueger and Myers have Atopic Dermatitis. Myers has anxiety as well. Krueger lives to make his presence known, generally with the bark of his Huntaway ancestors and the size of his personality. When I started thinking about another dog I asked loads of questions of the breeder around behavioural and skin problems within the lines. I wanted an ‘easy’ dog and to avoid any genetic issues. I wanted a go anywhere do anything kind of dog. Confident, self-assured, and athletic. When Craven was born, and it was all confirmed that he was mine, I started to dream about all the things he could be as he grew up. I have grown and developed as a dog owner and trainer, so I had so many plans about what I was going to try, what we were going to do. Craven arrived as a confident wee boy, super happy, and he fell in love with me super quickly. We did all the right socialisation even during a mini lockdown and a broken arm. He was amazing taking everything in his stride. Life didn’t faze him. I remember seeing a train with him for the first time; we were driving to see a friend when we had to stop at a crossing, as the train grumbled along the track Craven looked over at me and I told him it was ok and gave him a pat then he relaxed and watched it trudge past. That was what we did when he was unsure but that didn't happen all too often. A quick it’s ok and he was fine. Sadly he became really unwell and I almost lost him. It was suggested that I might choose euthanasia at one point. He was only around 8 months old. I am so thankful for the support I received during this time. I couldn’t have him euthanised as long as he wanted to live I wanted him to live. As he started to improve he was discharged from hospital and I went to pick him up. My big beautiful confident boy had been replaced by a frail, thin puppy who had no energy and was scared. He was apprehensive about being touched. It saddened me but he had been so unwell I wasn’t surprised. As he started to heal, eat and get stronger I started to see the overwhelming effect the illness and his time in hospital had had on his behaviour. He was no longer happy go lucky, or confident. He would scream when he got a fright or when his siblings would start barking. I couldn’t brush him, touch his feet, and there were only certain areas where I could touch him. There were days when he first came home that we would just lie together and watch the other dogs play. Slowly day by day he would start to relax when I patted him. Over a couple of months he started to let me brush him. Now I can brush his entire body. We are both quite proud of ourselves. He trusts that I won’t hurt him but when he is stressed he sometimes forgets. We still have a long road ahead of us but one day I hope he will be more relaxed about being touched, less scared of the world and not worry that I will hurt him. Maybe he feels I let him down and it was my fault he went through all that pain. So how can mourn a dog I still have. I mourn the confident easy puppy that I started with. The dog sport superstar I was hoping for and believe I had before he got sick. Maybe I just mourn the easiness of Craven when he was a baby puppy. I wanted a smooth ride for once. But don’t get me wrong I LOVE this dog. He was meant to be mine and I was meant to me his. He is perfect. My point is that sometimes we mourn the dog we were hoping for. No one plans for the difficult dog. The reactive dog. The anxious dog. The aggressive dog. We have all these plans but then something happens. Maybe your dog is reactive. Maybe your dog is anxious. Perhaps you wanted an agility superstar or your next sled dog prospect. It is ok if you are sad about not having the dog you planned on. Sometimes you get the dog you are meant have. The one who will actually make your world better. You will become a better trainer, a better dog owner when you are challenged. It is ok to mourn when you feel like you have lost something. Mourn for the dog you lost. Accept it. Grow from it. Love the dog you have. Change the plans you had. Become better. Love your dog.
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